GOP: Clinton Emails Reveal ‘Fatal Errors,’ ‘Permanent Failure’

Immediately following the State Department’s release of Hillary Clinton’s emails, Republicans blasted at least one email they said showed Clinton committed grave errors and clearly was not ready to be president.

Parsing through the hundreds of emails sent and received by Clinton that included scheduling matters and conversations with aides during her tenure as Secretary of State, Republican lawmakers said it was an email containing “fatal errors” which caught their attention.

The email was an auto-reply message from Gmail that was in response to an email Clinton had attempted to send to a caterer but was returned as undeliverable.

“The email from Google clearly states — and let me quote here — ‘This message has fatal errors and has failed permanently,'” said South Carolina Republican Rep. Trey Gowdy, chairman of the House committee investigating Benghazi. “Now, this is Google saying this, not me, not Republicans. You can blame us all you want, but I think we can all agree that Google knows what they’re talking about when it comes to email. And if Google is saying she has a permanent failure, then clearly she cannot be president.”

According to information security experts, the message from Gmail contains standard language that is sent when it attempts to deliver a message, but is rejected by a recipient’s server. It appears Clinton accidentally typed a hyphen instead of an underscore in the recipient’s email address.

“Listen, I don’t care what the experts say,” Gowdy said. “These are computer scientists, who are just like climate scientists and all these other scientists who are telling us what they think. I’m not buying it, and I don’t care what they think. I can see what the email says.”

Janet Miller, owner of Corner Catering and the intended receiver of Clinton’s email, said people often must resend emails to her because they accidentally type a hyphen instead of an underscore.

The text of the original email read: “Janet, please be sure to include a plain pasta dish for kids attending the dinner. Thanks, H”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Pet Owners Can Now Hibernate Pets, Go On Vacation Worry Free

Scientists have developed a solution that allows pet owners to cryogenically hibernate their pets while they are away, eliminating the need to hire pet sitters or place their pets in kennels.

New Jersey-based CryoPets LLC has come up with a simple food additive that when combined with its patented “cold blanket” enables any pet — mammal, reptile or bird — to hibernate at home for up to 30 days without the need for food or water, or the need to go out.

“This is really revolutionary science,” said Klaus Digenschat, chief scientist at CryoPets. “The food additive works on a time-release formula that slowly expands and delivers the necessary nutrients and hydration to the animal. The cold blanket causes the body temperature to decrease and allows the heart rate to slow down to proper hibernation.”

Digenschat added that the process is very safe for animals, who don’t even notice they have been placed in hibernation.

“Animals don’t have a sense of time,” he said. “For all they know, three weeks could have been three minutes.”

The length of hibernation is adjusted through the blanket, which features a digital LCD display and also can be controlled through a mobile app available for iOS and Android devices. The app is free with the purchase of a CryoPets system, which includes one blanket and one food capsule that allows for up to one 30-day hibernation period. The systems range in price based on the animals they serve.

Small dogs, cats and ferrets can use CryoPet Compact, which retails for $19.99. Medium-size dogs can use CryoMediPet for $39.99, or CryoMediPet Deluxe, in which the blanket features a super soft Saskatchewan sealskin lining and Peruvian alpaca fur exterior, for $99.99.

While pet owners can use CryoPet Compact for cats, a specially designed CryoCat version made from Arabian field mouse fur helps cats dream of mice.

“It is remarkable to see these cats dreaming of chasing the mice,” Digenschat said. “We leave the scent glands on the fur, so the smell is very comforting to the cat and the active mind makes for a more enjoyable hibernation.”

Ironically, CryoPets recommends the CryoCat version for pet mice as well. “It is very interesting because for the mice, they feel like they are with their families, and it is very comforting for them as well,” Digenschat. “However, it is very important that this version not be used for hamsters, gerbils or other rodents, because they will feel like they are fighting with the mice and will not hibernate properly. I recommend CryoPet Compact for these animals.”

For reptiles and birds, CryoPets makes CryoScales and CryoFeathers, respectively, and a special version of CryoScales, called CryoSub, is being developed for fish.

“It’s very amusing to see the fish sleeping in their little CryoSub blankets,” Digenschat said. “It’s so cute.”  MF_Logo-Bxed20

Public More Outraged With Bruce Jenner Coming Out As A Republican

The public reaction to Bruce Jenner’s announcement that he is a woman was rather muted when compared with his apparently more appalling revelation that he is a Republican.

“Frankly, I’m disgusted,” said a longtime supporter. “I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, but to come out publicly like that as a Republican, you have to keep that sort of thing to yourself.”

Everyone from longtime friends and fans to close family members were blindsided by Jenner’s announcement, and the Twitterverse went crazy.

“What did he just say?!  #IsHeF***ingNuts,” was one of the first tweets following the announcement, and it didn’t stop there.

“How can he do that to his family, to his fans,” asked a former teammate. “I mean, people look up to him, and it was just a real slap in the face.”

Even people very close to Jenner said they were caught off guard. “Just a few weeks ago Bruce and I were having a beer and talking a little about politics, and I knew he’s not that fond of this administration, but I never thought he was actually a Republican. I never saw that coming. He hid that for a long time.”

Others, however, applauded Jenner’s courage to come out.

“At times like these, when Republicans are associated with intolerance, being anti-science, just vilified in many circles, it takes a lot of balls to come out like that,” said another close friend. “That’s what makes this so ironic.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20


Consensus: Indiana Gov. Is An ‘Idiot’ First, ‘Bigot’ Second, ‘A**hole’ Third

It was close, but after tabulating all of the social media comments about Indiana Gov. Mike Pence following his signing of the state’s gay discrimination law and his subsequent moronic comments, it’s official: Pence is an idiot.

That’s right, “idiot” was the top superlative bestowed upon the brilliant governor across Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and pretty much everywhere else his name was mentioned. Being a bigot was the second-most popular reference to Pence, while a**hole, moron, absurd, insane, fanatic, loser, hater and disgusting rounded out the top 10.

Beyond the general public, powerful voices such as Miley Cyrus went to Instagram to tell Pence: “You’re an asshole,” while Star Trek icon George Takei was beside himself and encouraged the #BoycottIndiana movement. 

The list of notable figures and celebrities calling out Pence’s absurdity included everyone from Ashton Kutcher to Hillary Clinton to Larry King to CEO Marc Benioff to … well, just about everyone with common sense.

And while Apple CEO Tim Cook displayed his classiness publicly by saying he was “deeply disappointed” in Pence, sources close to Cook said that privately he agreed with Miley Cyrus that Pence was an a**hole.   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Indiana Gov. Secretly Adds ‘Jews and Arab-Looking People’ To Gay Discrimination Law

Just minutes before Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed a bill into law Thursday that allows businesses in his state to discriminate against gay customers, the governor quickly added the words “Jews and Arab-looking people” to the bill as well.

“Look, it’s not like we’re discriminating against blacks or those Mexicans, it’s just Jews and Arab-looking folks,” a Pence spokesperson told the few people in attendance at the private signing ceremony. “We have a lot of blacks in this state, so refusing their business would hurt our businesses. Same goes for the Mexicans. I understand many of us don’t like them, but they contribute to our economy. But we don’t have many Jews or Arabs, so it won’t make a difference.”

The Pence spokesperson added that enforcing the new law does come with challenges.

“This is not going to be easy. The gays are not always easy to spot, especially if they’re walking around alone,” he said. “And the Arabs look kinda like Mexicans and some of those Israelis do too, and we’re telling businesses they can’t discriminate against Mexicans, but they can against Jews and Arabs, so it’s going to be difficult.”

The Pence spokesperson said businesses will have to make a judgement call on “who is what,” and the state plans to provide some guidelines to help identify individuals.

“Some things are fairly obvious,” he said. “For example, a Mexican may look like he just got off work at a restaurant or landscaping and will look poor, while the Jew or Arab will be wearing gold jewelry and seemingly have a lot of money — though the Jews will try not to spend it.”

As for identifying “the gays,” he said, “take a look at their bumper stickers. They like to show their gayness to try to convert us. Also, in their appearance, the lesbians will have short hair and act cocky, and the men will look very fashionable and fit, usually.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Sarah Palin Protests Rising Ted Cruz Hysteria

Palin protests

WASILLA, ALASKA — As Sarah Palin once again hits the snooze button on her 15-minute alarm clock, she has come out in protest of the extremely fast-rising ridicule of Sen. Ted Cruz on social media and late night television, “and even among some folks in the lame stream media — you know who you are.”

According to Palin, Cruz is undeserving of the amount of ridicule he has received since announcing his candidacy for president on Monday.

“I’m the one everybody’s supposed to mock. I’m the one who should be trending on Twitter and ridiculed about all the stupid stuff I’ve said and with all the ironic images of the things I stand for,” Palin said today, shouting from her front porch. “I’m not sayin’ Ted Cruz shouldn’t be mocked, I’m not that much of an idiot, but it should be proportionate.

“When John McCain picked me to run, it was almost a week before people started mocking me,” she added. “I know Ted’s been around for a little while and shown his stupidity, obviously, but he’s sucking all of the attention 24-7 now.”

Palin said she wants people to remember how much fun it is to mock her.

“Listen, like everybody else, I can’t wait for Saturday Night Live this weekend, I betcha it’s gonna be great,” she said, “but I know that I brought more value to that show than he every will. Seriously, every single phrase that comes out of my mouth can be mocked.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Treasury: Ted Cruz’s ‘Constipated Scowl’ Not Good for U.S. Money

Ted Cruz Constipation

WASHINGTON — U.S. Treasury officials say Sen. Ted Cruz’s seemingly “constipated scowl” not only hurts his presidential ambitions, but will prevent him from ever getting his portrait on U.S. currency.

“Sen. Cruz is probably the least photogenic person ever considering a presidential run,” said a Treasury official on the condition of anonymity. “Look at any photo of him, and he truly has a constipated scowl. He needs to have that checked out. He needs more fiber or something to get him regular.”

Ted Cruz in U.S. Dollar

U.S. Treasury will not accept Cruz’s “constipated scowl” on currency.

Representatives for Cruz declined to comment on the senator’s appearance or his digestive health, and said Cruz himself would not be available to reporters. One junior staffer, however, said he thought Cruz was in the bathroom.   MF_Logo-Bxed20