GOP: Clinton Emails Reveal ‘Fatal Errors,’ ‘Permanent Failure’

Immediately following the State Department’s release of Hillary Clinton’s emails, Republicans blasted at least one email they said showed Clinton committed grave errors and clearly was not ready to be president.

Parsing through the hundreds of emails sent and received by Clinton that included scheduling matters and conversations with aides during her tenure as Secretary of State, Republican lawmakers said it was an email containing “fatal errors” which caught their attention.

The email was an auto-reply message from Gmail that was in response to an email Clinton had attempted to send to a caterer but was returned as undeliverable.

“The email from Google clearly states — and let me quote here — ‘This message has fatal errors and has failed permanently,'” said South Carolina Republican Rep. Trey Gowdy, chairman of the House committee investigating Benghazi. “Now, this is Google saying this, not me, not Republicans. You can blame us all you want, but I think we can all agree that Google knows what they’re talking about when it comes to email. And if Google is saying she has a permanent failure, then clearly she cannot be president.”

According to information security experts, the message from Gmail contains standard language that is sent when it attempts to deliver a message, but is rejected by a recipient’s server. It appears Clinton accidentally typed a hyphen instead of an underscore in the recipient’s email address.

“Listen, I don’t care what the experts say,” Gowdy said. “These are computer scientists, who are just like climate scientists and all these other scientists who are telling us what they think. I’m not buying it, and I don’t care what they think. I can see what the email says.”

Janet Miller, owner of Corner Catering and the intended receiver of Clinton’s email, said people often must resend emails to her because they accidentally type a hyphen instead of an underscore.

The text of the original email read: “Janet, please be sure to include a plain pasta dish for kids attending the dinner. Thanks, H”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Indiana Gov. Secretly Adds ‘Jews and Arab-Looking People’ To Gay Discrimination Law

Just minutes before Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed a bill into law Thursday that allows businesses in his state to discriminate against gay customers, the governor quickly added the words “Jews and Arab-looking people” to the bill as well.

“Look, it’s not like we’re discriminating against blacks or those Mexicans, it’s just Jews and Arab-looking folks,” a Pence spokesperson told the few people in attendance at the private signing ceremony. “We have a lot of blacks in this state, so refusing their business would hurt our businesses. Same goes for the Mexicans. I understand many of us don’t like them, but they contribute to our economy. But we don’t have many Jews or Arabs, so it won’t make a difference.”

The Pence spokesperson added that enforcing the new law does come with challenges.

“This is not going to be easy. The gays are not always easy to spot, especially if they’re walking around alone,” he said. “And the Arabs look kinda like Mexicans and some of those Israelis do too, and we’re telling businesses they can’t discriminate against Mexicans, but they can against Jews and Arabs, so it’s going to be difficult.”

The Pence spokesperson said businesses will have to make a judgement call on “who is what,” and the state plans to provide some guidelines to help identify individuals.

“Some things are fairly obvious,” he said. “For example, a Mexican may look like he just got off work at a restaurant or landscaping and will look poor, while the Jew or Arab will be wearing gold jewelry and seemingly have a lot of money — though the Jews will try not to spend it.”

As for identifying “the gays,” he said, “take a look at their bumper stickers. They like to show their gayness to try to convert us. Also, in their appearance, the lesbians will have short hair and act cocky, and the men will look very fashionable and fit, usually.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Sarah Palin Protests Rising Ted Cruz Hysteria

Palin protests

WASILLA, ALASKA — As Sarah Palin once again hits the snooze button on her 15-minute alarm clock, she has come out in protest of the extremely fast-rising ridicule of Sen. Ted Cruz on social media and late night television, “and even among some folks in the lame stream media — you know who you are.”

According to Palin, Cruz is undeserving of the amount of ridicule he has received since announcing his candidacy for president on Monday.

“I’m the one everybody’s supposed to mock. I’m the one who should be trending on Twitter and ridiculed about all the stupid stuff I’ve said and with all the ironic images of the things I stand for,” Palin said today, shouting from her front porch. “I’m not sayin’ Ted Cruz shouldn’t be mocked, I’m not that much of an idiot, but it should be proportionate.

“When John McCain picked me to run, it was almost a week before people started mocking me,” she added. “I know Ted’s been around for a little while and shown his stupidity, obviously, but he’s sucking all of the attention 24-7 now.”

Palin said she wants people to remember how much fun it is to mock her.

“Listen, like everybody else, I can’t wait for Saturday Night Live this weekend, I betcha it’s gonna be great,” she said, “but I know that I brought more value to that show than he every will. Seriously, every single phrase that comes out of my mouth can be mocked.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Treasury: Ted Cruz’s ‘Constipated Scowl’ Not Good for U.S. Money

Ted Cruz Constipation

WASHINGTON — U.S. Treasury officials say Sen. Ted Cruz’s seemingly “constipated scowl” not only hurts his presidential ambitions, but will prevent him from ever getting his portrait on U.S. currency.

“Sen. Cruz is probably the least photogenic person ever considering a presidential run,” said a Treasury official on the condition of anonymity. “Look at any photo of him, and he truly has a constipated scowl. He needs to have that checked out. He needs more fiber or something to get him regular.”

Ted Cruz in U.S. Dollar

U.S. Treasury will not accept Cruz’s “constipated scowl” on currency.

Representatives for Cruz declined to comment on the senator’s appearance or his digestive health, and said Cruz himself would not be available to reporters. One junior staffer, however, said he thought Cruz was in the bathroom.   MF_Logo-Bxed20

GOP Fawning Over Netanyahu Puts Him in Lead of 2016 U.S. Race

As the love fest between U.S. Republicans and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu continues unabated, the newly reelected Israeli leader is now being considered as the potential GOP nominee going into the 2016 U.S. presidential election.

“It doesn’t make sense,” said Gerald Connors, a constitutional scholar and historian. “First of all, Netanyahu is not a U.S. Citizen. He wasn’t even born in the United States. Secondly, he can’t be the leader of Israel and the United States at the same time. I mean, it’s ridiculous.”

With regard to the issue of not being born in the United States, legal experts have said that in certain situations, such as with Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, who was born in Canada to an American mother, and Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., who was born in Panama to American parents, those individuals are considered naturally born Americans as a result of their parents being American. Netanyahu was born in Israel, and his parents were born in Eastern Europe, and therefore he is not American.

“We’ll see about that, and whether that law [of requiring U.S. presidents to be naturally born citizens] has kept up with the times,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “Just because someone was not born in America does not mean they can’t be American.” Boehner was quick to point out, however, that regardless of how the law is changed, it definitely will not apply to Hispanics.   MF_Logo-Bxed20

Giuliani: ‘Obama Hates Salt Water Pools Too, It’s Not Just America’

Rudy Giuliani

Doubling down on his recent comments that President Barack Obama does not love America, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani this week went further, saying the president also “hates salt water pools.”

“For everything that we know today about the health benefits of swimming in salt water, it is very telling that the president chooses not to swim in salt water pools,” Giuliani said. “My sources tell me that he simply hates salt water pools.”

Giuliani said that in addition to being a healthy alternative for your skin, salt water swimming pools have several advantages over chlorine pools, including fewer chemicals, lower cost of upkeep and minimal maintenance.

“Salt is a lot softer on skin, hair and eyes than chlorine and doesn’t cause irritation like chlorine, so no red irritated eyes, no itchy, irritated skin and it’s a lot less harsh on your hair,” he added. “I just think it’s very irresponsible of the president to be on the wrong side of this issue.”

Giuliani emphasized that he is not criticizing the president’s love or hate for pools and salt in general.

“Let me be clear, I am not saying that the president hates pools, and I am not saying that the president hates salt. What I am saying, what I understand, is that the president hates salt water pools.”

And not one to let conspiracy theories die, Giuliani continued, “Let me go one step further here. If the president was in fact really and truly born in Hawaii, as he claims he was, wouldn’t he of all people enjoy salt water? I mean, it’s Hawaii. It’s surrounded by salt water. People go there for the beaches. All this just doesn’t add up.”   MF_Logo-Bxed20