BRUSSELS — What could have been a win-win-win for Europe, Russia and Ukraine fell through yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin rejected an offer from European leaders to give Russia the entire country of Greece in exchange for leaving Ukraine alone.
“Seriously? Greece? I’d rather have Afghanistan at this point — or even nothing,” said a surprised Putin, according to Kremlin sources. “Aside from their disastrous economy, I don’t like Greek food, all of their historic buildings are in ruins, and the Greek people are very opinionated. I don’t like people who are opinionated.”
The Greek debt crisis has caused a lot of headaches for Europe and has threatened to destabilize the euro currency and potentially bring down the entire continent. Most European leaders felt the offer to give Greece to the newly resurrecting Soviet Union — I mean Russia — was a “brilliant” plan. And, they say, Greece has a lot in common with Russia.
“Greece is in many ways a peninsula like Crimea, which we know Putin loves,” said an official in the German foreign ministry. “Plus, the weather is nice almost year round, and Greeks and Russians are known to drink heavily and tend to be hot-tempered, so they would get along quite nicely.”
Meanwhile, he added, “Greek Finance Minister Yanis Varoufakis not only looks a little like Putin, but he’s also a leftist and walks to his own beat. He and Putin would have a blast together. They almost look like long-lost brothers.”
Other similarities noted include the fact that both countries also use a distinct alphabet, which, while not similar to each other at all, at least are different from other Western alphabets.
Asked by reporters why the proposal would have been a win-win-win and not a win-win-win-win to include Greece, officials said, “Greece doesn’t deserve to win for the way it has mismanaged its finances. It deserves to be sent to Siberia. This is the closest thing to that.”
Image Credit: Wyatt Research